So much of what you have written here resonates with me. It’s why, if I were ever to write a memoir, I would not do any “fact-checking” with family members. 😉🙂
Ha! I totally understand. Not least because talking to people about a memory actively changes that memory. If you ever do write a memoir and do decide to compare memories, make sure you write down your version first.
I heart love this so much. ♥️I’ve spent much of today listening to Florence Scovel Shinn - The Power of Words - and felt lighter with every word. One of my biggest challenges in life is fear of being misunderstood...and so what is it that I invite into my experience? Being misunderstood. 😆
One of the best investments of my journey this past three years was becoming an NLP practitioner bc it gave me a deeper insight into how the story never really matters, only our depth of love for self...something which will be a life long journey for me to come to....
I heard a fabulous line from Abraham Hicks this week...”Our Highest Self is focused on our expansion, not the contrast that caused the expansion.”
What a fabulous line. I can get so caught up in my own narratives and storylines, I sometimes forget to welcome in all the gunky, clunky feelings, even though I know they can be teaching me things.
I, like you, also grapple with speaking my own truth. And, if I do, it can result in deep, deep shame. High control religion does a sterling job of squashing down one’s intuition and also anger...which is good if allowed in healthy ways as a child and helps us create boundaries later in life.
Also, the A Merkel clip provided some much needed chuckles today. Brilliant!
That Tracy Ullman/Angela Merkel sketch never fails to make me laugh out loud--full on belly laughs. I don't know the Florence Scovel Shinn refernece but will look it up.
I often think families and religions have a great deal in common in their use and abuse of different/similar forms of indoctrination. Some more so than others, obviously. I wasn't brought up in any kind of religion. I don't think my mother could have coped with the competition! I'm being flippant again, of course--she's not that extreme. Part of my own journey in recent years has been accepting that her hurtful behaviour was never driven by overt malice--only by her own need to protect herself from pain.
I do worry that when I write about my relationship with her I sound bitter or angry. That's my version of worrying about being misunderstood. But I think this is just part of the process; speaking/writing about my experience while accepting she has a very different view of things. I still need to explore my version of reality. Does that make sense?
Ahh Miranda. How I love you. Healing to the point where we can see all angles and come to a place of love is pretty dang special, me thinks.
I absolutely adore your words about fretting that you sound bitter or angry - “That’s my version of worrying about being misunderstood”. That whole last paragraph
OOOhhhh, sent before I was ready. 🤓 Yes, that whole last paragraph resonates soooooo deeply. Reeeeeeeally deeply. And actually, it assists me and soothes me more than you can know. ♥️🪄 THANK YOU! And yes to the programming of families and religion being similar. YES! 🙏🏻
Love the post and how you kept going with the digging. A big theme for me too. Finding my voice... and the lack of trust in the value of my side, my stories. A big part of the drive to write. And maybe like you to figure out the mechanics, the why and how of the telling...
Thank you, there's fuel here to add an aspect of my own to this story...
Thank you! I agree with it being a big part of the drive to write. Writing is both digging and sense-making in different phases of the writing process.
Loved this so much. It’s so true - there are no truly reliable narrators. I have four siblings and we can each recount any given occurrence from childhood from five different angles. And you’re right about retellings; they’re like the side of a mountain that gets shaped over time by wind, rain, sand, etc. Stories almost never stay the same over time.
The Tracey Ullman clip was hilarious- thank you for that too 🔥
I love your mountain side analogy, Amy. I wonder if they're more like sand dunes that shift constantly and are always moving and changing shape. Tracy Ullman as Angela Merkel is one of my favourite thing of all time. I show it to everyone and anyone at any opportunity!
Such a brilliant read Miranda. I learned outward compliance and a fear of disagreement from my father, who was so wrapped up in his own pain and suffering, that other people’s lives and views didn’t penetrate. But I seethed with resentment inside. I’ve learned some level of forgiveness, and considered the circumstances of his life, but I wonder what his story of our relationship would have been... something to ponder.
Thank you, Emily. I'm really sorry you've had that experience with your father. I often wonder how things might have been different too. Yeah, understanding doesn't equal automatic forgiveness. It helps, but not always enough. ❤️
Oh Miranda, this resonated hard with me! We seem to share similar life experiences. I relate to a lot of what you have said, and what you said to another commenter about the hurtful behaviour not coming ftom malice but a need to protect herself - something I am still trying to reconcile in my mind, and still struggling with. The gaping resentment is hard to shift, particularly as that behaviour primed me perfectly for an abusive relationship which I lost 20 years of my life to (and arguably will continue indefinitely as he's the father of my child so ties cannot be completely cut). Sorry, I've digressed as I so often do, but you've really put into words a connection I hadn't *quite* fully formed in my own unlearning/relearning process. Thank you ❤️
I'm still trying to reconcile it, Cat. It's something I have to practice, like gratitude or yoga. I don't always feel it or feel like doing it, but I feel it more the more I practice knowing/doing it. If that makes sense ...
That doesn't mean I still willingly open myself up to further harm. I wish my understanding of my mother's pain lessened that pain for her. If it did, it might reduce her need to cause pain to others. But it doesn't and I can't do that for her, even though I spent decades trying. I wish too that I could have an open conversation with her but part of my own unlearning/relearning process includes accepting that there are some conversations we'll never have. I'm not quite at the point of fully accepting that. It still makes me incredibly sad.
I love a good digression. They're where the best conversations and stories lie. I'm so pleased you're here, Cat. ❤️
You leave me in deepest thought Miranda... as a teacher we learn to always listen to many sides of the many hundreds of stories that a spoken in our ears every year, because in practical terms, we have to decide on the truth and often that is hard enough without limiting the chapters... After all, all elements ARE necessary to form valid opinions or to understand the plot, whichever it is details are necessary...
Now though, I’m veering off into a personality/perception I’d never even thought of...
Vera Lee is absolutely right, this was so powerful and yes, it weighs a little heavy too... thank you for this incredible insight. X
I don't envy you that role, Susie. I'm fascinated by the mechanics and the psychology behind how we construct and tell our stories, but I'd find it impossible to adjudicate stories in that way.
Miranda, thank you for this beautiful presentation of a concept that has swirled around my brain for years and years. I can relate to the pre-emptive conversations with mother and understanding a bully from childhood, and also from the often-unconscious act of processing a story from every conceivable viewpoint except for my own. Learning to become more truthful, allowing, and aware of my own perspective -- and facing the results of being unpalatable to some people as a result has been such a wild journey.
It's always exciting to recognize someone else who is aware of the many, many sides to a story and the nuances we know we can't possibly know. With the war going on right now and the holidays and family feuds and chaos happening this time of year as well, this article was really aligned with what has been on my mind. I appreciate the reminder that I'm not the only one who sees the loss of ability to tolerate differing perspectives, and also the reminder that I am the only one who sees my own side of any story (and that even our own stories in our own minds change with our circumstances).
This was uncomfortable to read, in a powerful way. I loved it.
Here's to being unpalatable! I don't mean that as flippantly as it probably sounds. It's incredibly hard to let go of the need to be liked and not to risk getting things wrong. I think it's even harder these days when there's no room for nuance. If you're not on the "right" side, the worry of being cancelled is crippling.
But if we never practise being wrong, if we never allow ourselves or other people to make mistakes, to disagree, to fuck things up and make good again, how do we ever get comfortable with difference? How can we ever reach understanding and acceptance if we never have the opportunity to disagree and still look for common ground?
I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what's uncomfortable for you in this?
I had to think for a while about how to put to words what was so uncomfortable -- I think just the thought of admitting publicly to thinking about some of these things, to admit to worrying about being cancelled, to consider even broaching the subject of how sad and frustrated and angry it makes me feel to just imagine the conversation being shut down on me or on anyone who made a mistake - and not having even the chance to make it right again. Not as a matter of pride or wanting to win, but just for the sake of growth and connection, learning, and not being afraid to try our best for fear of consequences if we make a mistake. It's such a loaded topic and it's really uncomfortable to sit with how big some of the feels and the felt (and even imagined... and also experienced) risks are at play under the surface.
It's also kind of uncomfortable to say (or even to read your words and agree with them as they say) that I've put everyone's perspectives before my own. That makes me feel victim-claiming and "gross" and "needy." It's a tough kind of presence to hold, being with myself in that and reminding myself that it is not victimizing to name a wrong or to acknowledge the consequence of a wrong and the healing that is now taking place... but still, saying it where other people could see or hear makes me feel super uncomfortable inside.
So much in here I want to respond to, my lovely. I'm so thankful I didn't grow up in an age of online cancel culture. Dealing with those who hold their opinions as fact is hard enough in real life without the weight of the entire Twittersphere hanging over everything we've ever said. I'm old enough to have got through my most vulnerable teenage years before the internet existed. There was no expectation that we would ever even be heard by anyone outside our immediate sphere, let alone judged for a passing comment we made ten years earlier.
Even so, I feel the anxiety of saying the wrong thing or being misinterpreted or misunderstood far more deeply now than I did then because, as you say, the consequences are so much worse. Who'dathunk that the right to be forgotten would become a necessary thing?
Self awareness isn't needy or gross. I don't want to diminish the feeling though. I recognise it. I'd suspect that discomfort comes from those aspects of our upbringing that were very similar--and being told what and how to feel. Sending you love. xx
A great read Miranda, and who doesn't love a Dita Von Teese quote! 👏
It’s the first time I’ve quoted her, but I hope it won’t be the last!
So much of what you have written here resonates with me. It’s why, if I were ever to write a memoir, I would not do any “fact-checking” with family members. 😉🙂
Ha! I totally understand. Not least because talking to people about a memory actively changes that memory. If you ever do write a memoir and do decide to compare memories, make sure you write down your version first.
I heart love this so much. ♥️I’ve spent much of today listening to Florence Scovel Shinn - The Power of Words - and felt lighter with every word. One of my biggest challenges in life is fear of being misunderstood...and so what is it that I invite into my experience? Being misunderstood. 😆
One of the best investments of my journey this past three years was becoming an NLP practitioner bc it gave me a deeper insight into how the story never really matters, only our depth of love for self...something which will be a life long journey for me to come to....
I heard a fabulous line from Abraham Hicks this week...”Our Highest Self is focused on our expansion, not the contrast that caused the expansion.”
What a fabulous line. I can get so caught up in my own narratives and storylines, I sometimes forget to welcome in all the gunky, clunky feelings, even though I know they can be teaching me things.
I, like you, also grapple with speaking my own truth. And, if I do, it can result in deep, deep shame. High control religion does a sterling job of squashing down one’s intuition and also anger...which is good if allowed in healthy ways as a child and helps us create boundaries later in life.
Also, the A Merkel clip provided some much needed chuckles today. Brilliant!
An absobloodybrilliant read. ❤️💫🪄
That Tracy Ullman/Angela Merkel sketch never fails to make me laugh out loud--full on belly laughs. I don't know the Florence Scovel Shinn refernece but will look it up.
I often think families and religions have a great deal in common in their use and abuse of different/similar forms of indoctrination. Some more so than others, obviously. I wasn't brought up in any kind of religion. I don't think my mother could have coped with the competition! I'm being flippant again, of course--she's not that extreme. Part of my own journey in recent years has been accepting that her hurtful behaviour was never driven by overt malice--only by her own need to protect herself from pain.
I do worry that when I write about my relationship with her I sound bitter or angry. That's my version of worrying about being misunderstood. But I think this is just part of the process; speaking/writing about my experience while accepting she has a very different view of things. I still need to explore my version of reality. Does that make sense?
Ahh Miranda. How I love you. Healing to the point where we can see all angles and come to a place of love is pretty dang special, me thinks.
I absolutely adore your words about fretting that you sound bitter or angry - “That’s my version of worrying about being misunderstood”. That whole last paragraph
OOOhhhh, sent before I was ready. 🤓 Yes, that whole last paragraph resonates soooooo deeply. Reeeeeeeally deeply. And actually, it assists me and soothes me more than you can know. ♥️🪄 THANK YOU! And yes to the programming of families and religion being similar. YES! 🙏🏻
Love the post and how you kept going with the digging. A big theme for me too. Finding my voice... and the lack of trust in the value of my side, my stories. A big part of the drive to write. And maybe like you to figure out the mechanics, the why and how of the telling...
Thank you, there's fuel here to add an aspect of my own to this story...
Thank you! I agree with it being a big part of the drive to write. Writing is both digging and sense-making in different phases of the writing process.
Loved this so much. It’s so true - there are no truly reliable narrators. I have four siblings and we can each recount any given occurrence from childhood from five different angles. And you’re right about retellings; they’re like the side of a mountain that gets shaped over time by wind, rain, sand, etc. Stories almost never stay the same over time.
The Tracey Ullman clip was hilarious- thank you for that too 🔥
I love your mountain side analogy, Amy. I wonder if they're more like sand dunes that shift constantly and are always moving and changing shape. Tracy Ullman as Angela Merkel is one of my favourite thing of all time. I show it to everyone and anyone at any opportunity!
Such a brilliant read Miranda. I learned outward compliance and a fear of disagreement from my father, who was so wrapped up in his own pain and suffering, that other people’s lives and views didn’t penetrate. But I seethed with resentment inside. I’ve learned some level of forgiveness, and considered the circumstances of his life, but I wonder what his story of our relationship would have been... something to ponder.
Thank you, Emily. I'm really sorry you've had that experience with your father. I often wonder how things might have been different too. Yeah, understanding doesn't equal automatic forgiveness. It helps, but not always enough. ❤️
Oh Miranda, this resonated hard with me! We seem to share similar life experiences. I relate to a lot of what you have said, and what you said to another commenter about the hurtful behaviour not coming ftom malice but a need to protect herself - something I am still trying to reconcile in my mind, and still struggling with. The gaping resentment is hard to shift, particularly as that behaviour primed me perfectly for an abusive relationship which I lost 20 years of my life to (and arguably will continue indefinitely as he's the father of my child so ties cannot be completely cut). Sorry, I've digressed as I so often do, but you've really put into words a connection I hadn't *quite* fully formed in my own unlearning/relearning process. Thank you ❤️
I'm still trying to reconcile it, Cat. It's something I have to practice, like gratitude or yoga. I don't always feel it or feel like doing it, but I feel it more the more I practice knowing/doing it. If that makes sense ...
That doesn't mean I still willingly open myself up to further harm. I wish my understanding of my mother's pain lessened that pain for her. If it did, it might reduce her need to cause pain to others. But it doesn't and I can't do that for her, even though I spent decades trying. I wish too that I could have an open conversation with her but part of my own unlearning/relearning process includes accepting that there are some conversations we'll never have. I'm not quite at the point of fully accepting that. It still makes me incredibly sad.
I love a good digression. They're where the best conversations and stories lie. I'm so pleased you're here, Cat. ❤️
You leave me in deepest thought Miranda... as a teacher we learn to always listen to many sides of the many hundreds of stories that a spoken in our ears every year, because in practical terms, we have to decide on the truth and often that is hard enough without limiting the chapters... After all, all elements ARE necessary to form valid opinions or to understand the plot, whichever it is details are necessary...
Now though, I’m veering off into a personality/perception I’d never even thought of...
Vera Lee is absolutely right, this was so powerful and yes, it weighs a little heavy too... thank you for this incredible insight. X
I don't envy you that role, Susie. I'm fascinated by the mechanics and the psychology behind how we construct and tell our stories, but I'd find it impossible to adjudicate stories in that way.
Miranda, thank you for this beautiful presentation of a concept that has swirled around my brain for years and years. I can relate to the pre-emptive conversations with mother and understanding a bully from childhood, and also from the often-unconscious act of processing a story from every conceivable viewpoint except for my own. Learning to become more truthful, allowing, and aware of my own perspective -- and facing the results of being unpalatable to some people as a result has been such a wild journey.
It's always exciting to recognize someone else who is aware of the many, many sides to a story and the nuances we know we can't possibly know. With the war going on right now and the holidays and family feuds and chaos happening this time of year as well, this article was really aligned with what has been on my mind. I appreciate the reminder that I'm not the only one who sees the loss of ability to tolerate differing perspectives, and also the reminder that I am the only one who sees my own side of any story (and that even our own stories in our own minds change with our circumstances).
This was uncomfortable to read, in a powerful way. I loved it.
Here's to being unpalatable! I don't mean that as flippantly as it probably sounds. It's incredibly hard to let go of the need to be liked and not to risk getting things wrong. I think it's even harder these days when there's no room for nuance. If you're not on the "right" side, the worry of being cancelled is crippling.
But if we never practise being wrong, if we never allow ourselves or other people to make mistakes, to disagree, to fuck things up and make good again, how do we ever get comfortable with difference? How can we ever reach understanding and acceptance if we never have the opportunity to disagree and still look for common ground?
I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, what's uncomfortable for you in this?
Yes, exactly!
I had to think for a while about how to put to words what was so uncomfortable -- I think just the thought of admitting publicly to thinking about some of these things, to admit to worrying about being cancelled, to consider even broaching the subject of how sad and frustrated and angry it makes me feel to just imagine the conversation being shut down on me or on anyone who made a mistake - and not having even the chance to make it right again. Not as a matter of pride or wanting to win, but just for the sake of growth and connection, learning, and not being afraid to try our best for fear of consequences if we make a mistake. It's such a loaded topic and it's really uncomfortable to sit with how big some of the feels and the felt (and even imagined... and also experienced) risks are at play under the surface.
It's also kind of uncomfortable to say (or even to read your words and agree with them as they say) that I've put everyone's perspectives before my own. That makes me feel victim-claiming and "gross" and "needy." It's a tough kind of presence to hold, being with myself in that and reminding myself that it is not victimizing to name a wrong or to acknowledge the consequence of a wrong and the healing that is now taking place... but still, saying it where other people could see or hear makes me feel super uncomfortable inside.
So much in here I want to respond to, my lovely. I'm so thankful I didn't grow up in an age of online cancel culture. Dealing with those who hold their opinions as fact is hard enough in real life without the weight of the entire Twittersphere hanging over everything we've ever said. I'm old enough to have got through my most vulnerable teenage years before the internet existed. There was no expectation that we would ever even be heard by anyone outside our immediate sphere, let alone judged for a passing comment we made ten years earlier.
Even so, I feel the anxiety of saying the wrong thing or being misinterpreted or misunderstood far more deeply now than I did then because, as you say, the consequences are so much worse. Who'dathunk that the right to be forgotten would become a necessary thing?
Self awareness isn't needy or gross. I don't want to diminish the feeling though. I recognise it. I'd suspect that discomfort comes from those aspects of our upbringing that were very similar--and being told what and how to feel. Sending you love. xx
I am glad I have your good company in spaces where we write about it and explore this odd and ever-changing world. ♥️