I got excited when I saw in your notes that it was “a long read’ and came directly here. I read the final passage three times such is its depth. And when you spoke about the drive home from Arvon and feeling those whispers of anticipation for the journey ahead - the journey back to self - I cried.
Reading about your mum’s experience growing up and the unconscious loss and trauma she experienced whilst even just still in the womb cut me to the quick. Never ever, of course, to excuse someone’s bitterness and ability to inflict such cutting pain - which your mum has clearly had the gift for. Your ability, however, to see your mum as a victim of victims is profound.
I also love what you say above about leaning into the pain of our own experience enables us to see the intense pain that others carry and have not been able to process. - (and gives us the boundaries to be able to say “No more!” to their projecting their own pain).
Och, You, Miranda, are an incredibly gifted writer.
Incredible read. Painful, evocative, thought-provoking and uplifting.
I'm never sure whether the extra-long read is welcome or if people just don't have the time. I rarely get much engagement on these longer pieces. I wonder if these might work better as two-parters? Either way, I'm happy you're here, Suzy.
As I think I said to Teri, it's much easier to understanding on the page than it is in the real world. I admit I'm not always patient or kind with my mother in life. I'm often watching and waiting for the next barb to come. Which doesn't make our infrequent meetings very comfortable. I'd like to think we'd eventually reach a place of mutual understanding. But that seems further away now than it did a few years ago. I think we all reach a point in our lives when we either start painful unravelling a lifetime of habits and behaviour--or we batten down the hatches, refuse to start that process because we know how f-ing hard it's going to be, and double-down on old habits. Damn, this living thing is hard work sometimes.
Well, I adore a long read from you. I’ve just recorded my offering for today (under the duvet, ya know - good acoustics and all that! 😂). I’d love to listen to one of your reads I must say - could that be an option?
Aye, I hope my comment didn’t sound like I thought all was just ticketyboo now in the realms of your relationship with your mum. And I believe that sometimes the most radical form of self love is to walk away. Sooo multi-layered and complex hey.
Och I hear ya on the unravelling a lifetime of habits and behaviour! 🤯 It has frequently been a floofing rollercoaster over here! 🤯🙃😂
I reckons we’re clearing and shifting generations worth of ancestral trauma that is beyond our human comprehension.💪🏻🫶🏻
It could be ... I have thought about recording these because I love listening to other people's Substack readings while I'm walking the dog. It's just a time and confidence thing. You know how much I struggle even to record a voice message, Suzy! But I reckon it's a definite possibility.
Don't worry, I didn't read your comment as a dismissal of the current situation. I know you know how multi-layered these things are. That generational trauma thing though--I have a post bubbling about this. But I think I should give people a break for a few weeks and talk about puppies and sunflowers for a while.
Love how you jump between different times/places in this essay, Miranda. And how your mother's voice stubbornly lingers around throughout it all. So easy to become enslaved by narcissistic voices like that. Great you're writing about that journey though.
She certainly does linger! I hear her voice in my head every bloomin’ day, James! I often write in small moments that find their place in a bigger idea much later. That’s kind of how this piece emerged. I suspect some of these moments will find another life in another piece in time.
That's great to hear - amazing how traumatic experiences can inspire us. Btw, in case you haven't read one yet, there are some great books about recovering from being parented by narcissistic personalities (e.g. 'How to Kill a Narcissist' and 'Killing Narcissism' by J H Simon)
Thank you, James. I’ve read a few but these are new to me. I’ll look out for both of them. It’s very interesting that you’ve identified the N traits in this without my mentioning that word. If you know, you know, eh.
Narcissistic people are the hardest to escape of all… my heart breaks open at the life you must have lead through your mother, truly, when I think of my own sweet, caring mother who died far too young (younger than I am now) who would have given the shoes on her feet to a passer by is she thought they’d help, I cannot even begin to imagine your torment, nor how you could possibly have dealt with such a revelation when you eventually knew…
Bless your bravery, not only in sharing but in remaining capable of sharing anything at all Miranda… this was sad and beautiful and so very honest. Xx
Thank you, Susie. I'm so sorry you lost your mother far too young. She sounds wonderful.
My own mother certainly has her moments. I hope this piece didn't make it seem like my whole life has been awful or that she was consistently cruel.
Mostly, I think as a kid and young adult I was just confused by her inconsistency. I could (and still can) have good conversations with my mother, but I never really trust any experience with her--good or bad. I'm constantly waiting for the barb to come.
Maybe this is typical of narcissistic people--you never really know what's real and spend most of your time thinking you're the problem. Even now I'm still not 100% sure I haven't wildly misinterpreted her behaviour and our relationship. Maybe I'm just mad? Even when I have witnesses and compare experience with my brother, I still doubt it. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense, I have first hand experience of a narcissist and this is exactly what happens… they are clever enough, though often they don’t know it, to twist our thoughts so we are the ones questioning our own behavior… and there is always a barb!
You wrote this so well Miranda, it is obvious to the reader that despite all the tricky days, you still hold much love for your mother too… x
Thank you for sharing this, Miranda. Your words gripped me from the start and are still holding me tight. The raw facts of your life that you unravel here are delicately interwoven in a pattern which feels both coarse and tender. Hard work it is, that life of ours, unbearable at times and yet so precious.
I can understand it’s hard to ignore your mother’s voice (as you said to James), but your own voice is louder. And speaks of love - the love you now claim for yourself.
I loved reading something much longer - the depth you can really get into is so much more intense and long lasting. I devoured this and it's stayed in my mind all day. It has provoked lots of food for thought in there for me, thank you. And reminded me of something my therapist said to me not that long ago... "think about what you're allowed to own"... I don't know if that's something you've had to consider too, obviously our experiences are different, but there are many things that echo in my relationships too. Having to step away from rescuing someone else who takes over your rescuing role really stuck with me too. It's hard. I'm kind but I also tend to rescue too - it's hard to know sometimes when one ends and another begins. Hmm lots to think about! Thank you!
Hey, Cat! That line between kindness and rescuing is hard to see when you're habituated to the rescuer role. I'm much slower to respond to other people's crises than I used to be. I'm sure to many people (or maybe just my mother) I can look like a hard-nosed and uncaring b--. But I have to step back and assess my own instinct to leap to help.
I realised some time ago that my instincts on this aren’t always good. I’ve been trained to spot where someone else needs help and offer it before I’m asked. Often this instinct is driven by my own need to seem like a good person, and not what the other party actually needs or wants. Having been on the receiving end of misplaced “rescuing” efforts, I also know how unwelcome (and downright annoying) it can be.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to vent, then go back to figuring sh*t out for myself. I don’t want to be infantilised by someone else misinterpreting what I need and imposing their version of help upon me. I try to allow that other people probably feel the same. And if they don’t—if they actively want my help—they need only ask and I’ll be there. I think it’s Brené Brown who suggests asking “what does help look like to you?”
Your therapist’s question about what you’re allowed to own is a great one. I presume they mean, think about what is and is not your responsibility to fix? A question that kicks in before even getting to the how to help?
Thank you for your comment on the length. I think my anxiety about that is another voice I need to get to know a bit better! Maybe it’s the one about taking up too much space—? Oooh, these inner voices do keep us busy don't they.
Haha oh yes they sure do keep us busy!! It's a full time job keeping up with those guys 😂
Totally resonated with everything you said about kindness and rescuing. I'm much the same. I'm also hyper aware of other moods and needs of people and I have also been trained to jump in (ASAP) and fix and rescue. However it's something I am working very hard on, as it's exactly the thing I hate people doing to me! So that's an area rife in overthinking and vulnerability for me. I'm also having to learn to be OK with being perceived as a cold hearted b- as well - veeerrry uncomfortable for me but something I have to come to terms with because it's, funnily enough, unsustainable and deeply unhealthy to be limited and controlled by the (potential) perceptions of people who actively harm my wellbeing and life... Make it make sense!
And my therapists question was exactly as you said (a common recurring theme for me), and also (I realised after I wrote it I should have expanded on it) to look at what *I* can take credit for or ownership of - so much of my identity, my skills, my personality, achievements etc etc all gets pointed back to "well she gets that from me" or "I helped her do that" or "she couldn't have done that without me" "MY daughter is x, y & z" as if it's her achievement to boast about etc etc. She dines out anywhere and everywhere to anyone who will listen on my private life stories of hardship and perseverance and success.
Oh and yes please do feel free to share longer length pieces, I've been thinking a lot about some of the things you brought up and it was just an incredibly hard hitting compelling read. Hope you don't mind the long length replies too 😂🙈
I love these longer replies, Cat. Conversations in the comments often spark ideas for future ramblings. I also recognise pretty much everything you describe here. Compulsive rescuer who hates being rescued--check. Getting comfortable with the discomfort of not being universally liked--yup. Struggling to take credit for your own identity when it is consistently claimed by someone else--holy cow, yes. I think we have a lot of these stories in common. And while I’m sorry that this is the case for either of us, I’m also hugely grateful that we’re able to talk about these things, find that point of connection, and go some way to exorcising our mutual ghosts.
I'll definitely share more long pieces. They take a while though ...
Thank you, always impactful to feel understood and heard. Thank you Miranda ❤️ I completely agree with you. And you're so right that it all helps as part of the exorcism process. So true! Glad to hear about more longer pieces, but I can only imagine how long they take! Well whenever the next one emerges, know that I will gladly read it as I'm sure so many others will too :)
Wow. I could write volumes here, but I will just say that I had an extremely difficult mother, too. You capture your mother beautifully and still manage to be kind. I don’t have that kindness to give for my memories of my mother. Excellent, evocative writing!
I’ve struggled, Teri, to find kindness. I still do in the day to day. Understanding why someone chooses to continually hurt us doesn’t mitigate the hurt entirely. But it does help.
I think accepting I have a right to feel pain helped as much, if not more. When I lean into my own experience (and pain), it's easier to understand why she finds it so hard to process her own--and why she lashes out. Does that make sense?
Writing through it helps too. I hope you find some kindness for yourself, Teri. It’s bloody hard sometimes, innit. Xx
I got excited when I saw in your notes that it was “a long read’ and came directly here. I read the final passage three times such is its depth. And when you spoke about the drive home from Arvon and feeling those whispers of anticipation for the journey ahead - the journey back to self - I cried.
Reading about your mum’s experience growing up and the unconscious loss and trauma she experienced whilst even just still in the womb cut me to the quick. Never ever, of course, to excuse someone’s bitterness and ability to inflict such cutting pain - which your mum has clearly had the gift for. Your ability, however, to see your mum as a victim of victims is profound.
I also love what you say above about leaning into the pain of our own experience enables us to see the intense pain that others carry and have not been able to process. - (and gives us the boundaries to be able to say “No more!” to their projecting their own pain).
Och, You, Miranda, are an incredibly gifted writer.
Incredible read. Painful, evocative, thought-provoking and uplifting.
I'm never sure whether the extra-long read is welcome or if people just don't have the time. I rarely get much engagement on these longer pieces. I wonder if these might work better as two-parters? Either way, I'm happy you're here, Suzy.
As I think I said to Teri, it's much easier to understanding on the page than it is in the real world. I admit I'm not always patient or kind with my mother in life. I'm often watching and waiting for the next barb to come. Which doesn't make our infrequent meetings very comfortable. I'd like to think we'd eventually reach a place of mutual understanding. But that seems further away now than it did a few years ago. I think we all reach a point in our lives when we either start painful unravelling a lifetime of habits and behaviour--or we batten down the hatches, refuse to start that process because we know how f-ing hard it's going to be, and double-down on old habits. Damn, this living thing is hard work sometimes.
Well, I adore a long read from you. I’ve just recorded my offering for today (under the duvet, ya know - good acoustics and all that! 😂). I’d love to listen to one of your reads I must say - could that be an option?
Aye, I hope my comment didn’t sound like I thought all was just ticketyboo now in the realms of your relationship with your mum. And I believe that sometimes the most radical form of self love is to walk away. Sooo multi-layered and complex hey.
Och I hear ya on the unravelling a lifetime of habits and behaviour! 🤯 It has frequently been a floofing rollercoaster over here! 🤯🙃😂
I reckons we’re clearing and shifting generations worth of ancestral trauma that is beyond our human comprehension.💪🏻🫶🏻
What a bumpy ride though. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeesus.😁
It could be ... I have thought about recording these because I love listening to other people's Substack readings while I'm walking the dog. It's just a time and confidence thing. You know how much I struggle even to record a voice message, Suzy! But I reckon it's a definite possibility.
Don't worry, I didn't read your comment as a dismissal of the current situation. I know you know how multi-layered these things are. That generational trauma thing though--I have a post bubbling about this. But I think I should give people a break for a few weeks and talk about puppies and sunflowers for a while.
Ahaaaa. Puppies and sunflowers! 🥹I await that post about generational trauma with alacrity I tell you! And the VN 🤓😁
So much respect to you Miranda. 🙏🏻♥️
Love how you jump between different times/places in this essay, Miranda. And how your mother's voice stubbornly lingers around throughout it all. So easy to become enslaved by narcissistic voices like that. Great you're writing about that journey though.
She certainly does linger! I hear her voice in my head every bloomin’ day, James! I often write in small moments that find their place in a bigger idea much later. That’s kind of how this piece emerged. I suspect some of these moments will find another life in another piece in time.
That's great to hear - amazing how traumatic experiences can inspire us. Btw, in case you haven't read one yet, there are some great books about recovering from being parented by narcissistic personalities (e.g. 'How to Kill a Narcissist' and 'Killing Narcissism' by J H Simon)
Thank you, James. I’ve read a few but these are new to me. I’ll look out for both of them. It’s very interesting that you’ve identified the N traits in this without my mentioning that word. If you know, you know, eh.
Narcissistic people are the hardest to escape of all… my heart breaks open at the life you must have lead through your mother, truly, when I think of my own sweet, caring mother who died far too young (younger than I am now) who would have given the shoes on her feet to a passer by is she thought they’d help, I cannot even begin to imagine your torment, nor how you could possibly have dealt with such a revelation when you eventually knew…
Bless your bravery, not only in sharing but in remaining capable of sharing anything at all Miranda… this was sad and beautiful and so very honest. Xx
Thank you, Susie. I'm so sorry you lost your mother far too young. She sounds wonderful.
My own mother certainly has her moments. I hope this piece didn't make it seem like my whole life has been awful or that she was consistently cruel.
Mostly, I think as a kid and young adult I was just confused by her inconsistency. I could (and still can) have good conversations with my mother, but I never really trust any experience with her--good or bad. I'm constantly waiting for the barb to come.
Maybe this is typical of narcissistic people--you never really know what's real and spend most of your time thinking you're the problem. Even now I'm still not 100% sure I haven't wildly misinterpreted her behaviour and our relationship. Maybe I'm just mad? Even when I have witnesses and compare experience with my brother, I still doubt it. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense, I have first hand experience of a narcissist and this is exactly what happens… they are clever enough, though often they don’t know it, to twist our thoughts so we are the ones questioning our own behavior… and there is always a barb!
You wrote this so well Miranda, it is obvious to the reader that despite all the tricky days, you still hold much love for your mother too… x
Never doubt long reads again. This was perfection (and heart-rending and heart-tending) all in one place.
Thank you, Leanne. xx
Thank you for sharing this, Miranda. Your words gripped me from the start and are still holding me tight. The raw facts of your life that you unravel here are delicately interwoven in a pattern which feels both coarse and tender. Hard work it is, that life of ours, unbearable at times and yet so precious.
I can understand it’s hard to ignore your mother’s voice (as you said to James), but your own voice is louder. And speaks of love - the love you now claim for yourself.
Long piece, yes, but healing takes time.
Aaah, Fotini, thank you so much. Hard but precious. That's a fabulous way to sum it up!
I’m so glad you went off, worried about it, and worked it out for yourself.
This IS your story, and hers too.
And it’s a very fine piece of writing - congratulations.
And thank you for restacking this! It's very much appreciated.
Worrying and working it out is my standard MO! Thank you so much. I'm very pleased to reconnect here.
I loved reading something much longer - the depth you can really get into is so much more intense and long lasting. I devoured this and it's stayed in my mind all day. It has provoked lots of food for thought in there for me, thank you. And reminded me of something my therapist said to me not that long ago... "think about what you're allowed to own"... I don't know if that's something you've had to consider too, obviously our experiences are different, but there are many things that echo in my relationships too. Having to step away from rescuing someone else who takes over your rescuing role really stuck with me too. It's hard. I'm kind but I also tend to rescue too - it's hard to know sometimes when one ends and another begins. Hmm lots to think about! Thank you!
Hey, Cat! That line between kindness and rescuing is hard to see when you're habituated to the rescuer role. I'm much slower to respond to other people's crises than I used to be. I'm sure to many people (or maybe just my mother) I can look like a hard-nosed and uncaring b--. But I have to step back and assess my own instinct to leap to help.
I realised some time ago that my instincts on this aren’t always good. I’ve been trained to spot where someone else needs help and offer it before I’m asked. Often this instinct is driven by my own need to seem like a good person, and not what the other party actually needs or wants. Having been on the receiving end of misplaced “rescuing” efforts, I also know how unwelcome (and downright annoying) it can be.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to vent, then go back to figuring sh*t out for myself. I don’t want to be infantilised by someone else misinterpreting what I need and imposing their version of help upon me. I try to allow that other people probably feel the same. And if they don’t—if they actively want my help—they need only ask and I’ll be there. I think it’s Brené Brown who suggests asking “what does help look like to you?”
Your therapist’s question about what you’re allowed to own is a great one. I presume they mean, think about what is and is not your responsibility to fix? A question that kicks in before even getting to the how to help?
Thank you for your comment on the length. I think my anxiety about that is another voice I need to get to know a bit better! Maybe it’s the one about taking up too much space—? Oooh, these inner voices do keep us busy don't they.
Haha oh yes they sure do keep us busy!! It's a full time job keeping up with those guys 😂
Totally resonated with everything you said about kindness and rescuing. I'm much the same. I'm also hyper aware of other moods and needs of people and I have also been trained to jump in (ASAP) and fix and rescue. However it's something I am working very hard on, as it's exactly the thing I hate people doing to me! So that's an area rife in overthinking and vulnerability for me. I'm also having to learn to be OK with being perceived as a cold hearted b- as well - veeerrry uncomfortable for me but something I have to come to terms with because it's, funnily enough, unsustainable and deeply unhealthy to be limited and controlled by the (potential) perceptions of people who actively harm my wellbeing and life... Make it make sense!
And my therapists question was exactly as you said (a common recurring theme for me), and also (I realised after I wrote it I should have expanded on it) to look at what *I* can take credit for or ownership of - so much of my identity, my skills, my personality, achievements etc etc all gets pointed back to "well she gets that from me" or "I helped her do that" or "she couldn't have done that without me" "MY daughter is x, y & z" as if it's her achievement to boast about etc etc. She dines out anywhere and everywhere to anyone who will listen on my private life stories of hardship and perseverance and success.
Oh and yes please do feel free to share longer length pieces, I've been thinking a lot about some of the things you brought up and it was just an incredibly hard hitting compelling read. Hope you don't mind the long length replies too 😂🙈
I love these longer replies, Cat. Conversations in the comments often spark ideas for future ramblings. I also recognise pretty much everything you describe here. Compulsive rescuer who hates being rescued--check. Getting comfortable with the discomfort of not being universally liked--yup. Struggling to take credit for your own identity when it is consistently claimed by someone else--holy cow, yes. I think we have a lot of these stories in common. And while I’m sorry that this is the case for either of us, I’m also hugely grateful that we’re able to talk about these things, find that point of connection, and go some way to exorcising our mutual ghosts.
I'll definitely share more long pieces. They take a while though ...
Thank you, always impactful to feel understood and heard. Thank you Miranda ❤️ I completely agree with you. And you're so right that it all helps as part of the exorcism process. So true! Glad to hear about more longer pieces, but I can only imagine how long they take! Well whenever the next one emerges, know that I will gladly read it as I'm sure so many others will too :)
Wow. I could write volumes here, but I will just say that I had an extremely difficult mother, too. You capture your mother beautifully and still manage to be kind. I don’t have that kindness to give for my memories of my mother. Excellent, evocative writing!
I’ve struggled, Teri, to find kindness. I still do in the day to day. Understanding why someone chooses to continually hurt us doesn’t mitigate the hurt entirely. But it does help.
I think accepting I have a right to feel pain helped as much, if not more. When I lean into my own experience (and pain), it's easier to understand why she finds it so hard to process her own--and why she lashes out. Does that make sense?
Writing through it helps too. I hope you find some kindness for yourself, Teri. It’s bloody hard sometimes, innit. Xx